The first few weeks with two or more children can be a testing time for families as you all get used to a very different situation. Right up until the birth of your second child, your first-born will always be ‘your baby’ – even if she’s 3 or 4!
A common problem for mums with new babies is that they suddenly see their older child as more self-sufficient and grown-up than she is, because it becomes clear to them who the real baby is now. This can mean that you expect her to be able to do things she can’t. If you’ve never taught your child to tie her shoelaces or put her coat on herself, she won’t be able to do it overnight, so it’s important to ease into this.
Wherever possible, stick to the routine you had in place before your second baby came along. For example, if your daughter has ballet classes, make sure she still gets to go. It’s important that your toddler doesn’t feel she’s missing out because of the new baby.
Baby makes three
Include your little one at every given opportunity. If you’re bathing your new baby, let your toddler watch and talk to her all the way through about what you’re doing. Have a giggle with her at how small the baby’s feet are, then say, ‘And look at your big feet! Aren’t the baby’s ones small compared to yours!’
Let your toddler sprinkle water on the baby with a sponge so she feels involved. Ask her to pass you a clean nappy when you’re changing the baby – it’ll help her feel responsible and valued. Or let her stroke the baby’s back when you’re gently massaging her. The tiniest things mean a lot to toddlers and help them feel secure.
Bonds of love…
Give your toddler lots of time with the baby –it’s great for bonding. Ask her to sing nursery rhymes to the baby, or sit her on the sofa propped up with soft cushions and show her how to hold the baby and gently stroke him – supervised by mum, of course! If you keep the baby to yourself like some precious prize, it’ll only lead to deeper resentment from your older child. When the baby cries, explain to your toddler what could be the matter, so they start to understand little human beings a bit better. Say, ’Oh-oh! Time for dinner! And it’ll be time for your dinner soon, won’t it?’
Every now and then, have some one-to-one time with your toddler. Snuggle up with a book or do a puzzle with her. She’ll love having all your attention, just like old times.
Praise or punish?
Now is the time to lavish attention on your toddler through lots of praise and cuddles. Rather than telling her how lucky she is to have a new baby brother (which everyone else is bound to do), tell her how lucky her little brother is to have such a fabulous big sister. Accept that your child will probably have a few tantrums –she’s experiencing a whole range of new emotions and has no other way of venting them other than to throw a wobbly.
Be sympathetic but don’t be scared to discipline her if it gets too much. Remember, you don’t need to apologise to a 3-year-old for having a new baby, even though it can feel like it sometimes! Understand how she’s feeling but don’t pander to it; that’ll just create more tantrums which have nothing to do with the baby. To a degree, you should adopt the attitude of ‘she’s just going to have to get used to it’ because let’s face it, she is!
When all’s said and done, just go with it. Enjoy the highs and keep the lows in perspective. Just because your toddler might want to ‘send the baby back now’ (or indeed squash him to within an inch of his life) doesn’t mean they’ll be lifelong enemies! Accept offers of help, don’t try to be a superhero, and keep that sense of humour about you at all times. Good luck!
Look who’s here!
It’s a great idea to create a real sense of fun and excitement about the birth of a new sibling. Your toddler will feed off your attitude – how else do they know about the magic of Christmas other than through you talking about it and getting excited? – so make a fuss.
Blow up balloons for the new baby’s homecoming, and let your toddler decorate the house with home-made banners. She’ll love doing it and it’s a great way to make her feel a real part of the experience. Keep telling her how lucky her little brother is to have such a clever big sister.
A time-old sweetener that never fails is for your new arrival to ‘bring a present’ for your toddler with him. So when she comes to see you in hospital or meet her new sibling for the first time, give her a toy all wrapped up and say, ‘Look what your brother got you! He must love you so much!’ Flattery might not get you everywhere but this is definitely one occasion when it’s worth a shot!
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You probably don’t need to be told that sharing doesn’t come naturally to most little kids. “Mine” is probably one of your toddler’s favorite words. Now try to imagine your little one having to share not just a toy but his mommy and daddy. (And for a lot longer than an hour or two at the playground.) No wonder suddenly having a sibling — something 80 percent of us experience, by the way — can be so fraught. Luckily, there are some tried-and-true ways to make things easier.
How to cope with jealousy toward the new baby
Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Know that your little one may express negative feelings or act out, and don’t scold. Instead say, “Being a big sibling can be hard. Sometimes you will feel sad or mad or do things you don’t mean to do and that’s OK. We will always love you and want to help you feel better.”
Spend regular one-on-one time together. Try to give your toddler a bit of undivided attention, even if it’s just 10 to 20 minutes a day. One way to accomplish this more easily is to wear your newborn in a sling, which gives you two free hands to play a game with your older child. And have your older child cuddle while you’re nursing.
Feeling frazzled? Enlist help from a relative, who can tend to your newborn as you spend time with your oldest. Or suggest your partner schedule special activities together with your child, like whipping up weekend waffles or heading out to the movies.
Offer a gift (or two). No doubt there’ll be awesome baby gifts arriving by the truckload, which can be pretty rough for a tot who’s sitting on the sidelines watching the loot accumulate. So once in a while, surprise your older child with a big-kid present you happen to have at the ready. Nothing fancy — just a little something that says “being a big sib rocks,” like a new set of markers and a giant pad, a coloring book, a book, a puzzle or even a sheet of stickers. When friends arrive with (yet another) giant box for the baby, let your tot unwrap it for him (what a good helper!). If it’s an item that your newborn is too little to use (like a doggie pull-toy or set of blocks) let your big kid (gently) break it in.
Praise often. Reward your child with hugs and compliments for showing patience (waiting without wailing while you change a diaper), cooperativeness (handing you that diaper instead of winging it at the wall) and empathy (“The baby’s crying, Mommy. Maybe he’s hungry”). Make a fuss, especially in front of others: “Thank you for handing me the diaper, sweetheart! What a great big sibling!”
Dealing with specific behavior issues
Regression. Know that your toddler may revert back to behavior more typical to that of a younger child, like thumb-sucking, or experience setbacks if he’s toilet training or learning to use a toddler bed. Know too, that this is as much a sign of stress as it is a grab for attention. Try to be extra understanding and patient. And if possible, plan to start big changes, like toilet-training or weaning, well before the newborn arrives.
Acting rough with the baby. Your child may try to express anger towards the baby through physical aggression. Don’t punish, but do make it clear that absolutely no hurting is allowed. Let your little one express anger through other ways, like drawing a picture of himself looking mad or roaring like a big, fierce lion.
Anxiety. Anxious feelings often come from feeling displaced; you may notice more separation anxiety in particular. Along with making sure to spend time with your older child, encourage him to talk to you about how he feels. Be reassuring and tell him it’s normal to want things to be like they were before the baby.
Tips for older kids
Arrange a few playdates. School-age kids have no doubt made a few close friends by now and may have a long-time sitter or nanny. So see if you can schedule some extra time for your child to spend with them. Maybe plan a day at the movies or a trip to the ice skating rink. Your older child will not only enjoy these outings but will most likely feel more secure around people with whom he’s comfortable.
Try to stick to the usual routine. While it may be difficult to have things run like clockwork with the disruption of a new baby, doing your best to maintain a regular schedule will help your big kid feel less anxious and more reassured. Make sure he gets up and goes to bed at the same time as before the new sibling arrived and that your child participates in as many regular activities as possible.
Ask for help with baby-related tasks. Ask your child to put diapers on the shelf next to the changing table or fetch blankets or bottles for you. Once you feel he’s ready, your older child can even help burp, bathe and dress the new baby. No doubt he will feel proud to be given some new responsibilities.